That's All she Wrote...

Excuse me?

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 17:36:23 GMT

R.I.P David Carradine

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 06:05:29 GMT

Oh how I yearn for the spring.
This winter really got to my soul.
I need to thaw out.
I hung all the linens out on the line the other day which makes everything smell so fresh and alive!

I've been having these breif moments between conciousness and subconciousness as I'm falling asleep or waking up where I think I'm at the lake.
They're a comfort knowing the camp is so vivid somewhere in my mind but its also ailing realizing its gone now.

Ob la di ob la da life goes on though right?
I'm attempting to get back into photography/modeling/creating my designs to sell because after much pondering I've realized I can't walk away from that. It wasn't just a phase. I feel so lost without creativity. Its the one thing in life that's ever really come naturally to me so why swim upstream?
I'm no trout
bitch please.

Skeet skat skoot!!!...

Sun, 18 May 2008 09:12:48 GMT

I wanna climb to the highest point in the world & just scream.
Scream until my throat goes numb, 'til my ears hear a steady hum.
I can see you lurking over my shoulder, with each step I get colder.
Why have you come? What do you want?
What else can you take that already hasn't been took?
A cleverly, snide, dark, joke of a crook.

Break me. Break me. You won't let me be free.
Left me here pleading for my life on two swollen knees.
Even the gaps between seconds are filled with pain-
Shackled and bound by these metal chains.
Refusing to be numb, they all think you're dumb.

I've got nothing to give you.
You've sucked me bone dry-
Kicked me so hard I lost my ability to cry.
What it is like to smile again?

Wrap you up in ideals, dress you up in your dreams
Well, sorry baby doll, but nothing is ever really what it seems.

The times they are a-changin'...

Thu, 08 May 2008 08:17:15 GMT

"Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'."
-Bob Dylan

All you need is Love...

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 08:46:11 GMT

This is of course is the adorable Paul McCartney at a private exhibition of Linda McCartney's photography
I just wanted to express how absolutely moved I am by this delicate candid
Every lady no matter what her age deserves to be looked upon as adoringly as this

Real Love.

I highly suggest you give her photos a look. They are absolutely

the end.

All we can do is keep breathing now...

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 08:19:39 GMT

The world has got everybody's eyes spinning with madness, like a pin wheel amidst a hurricane.
Who are we all trying to impress? Why are we all giving everything that we've got to something we don't even want in the end?
Give yourself a break. You are so tired of running, please, walk for a minute.

How much longer can you truly go on to chase a dream that isn't really your's?
Congratulations, you've made it to the real world, but can you actually survive it?
How much are you really willing to sacrifice for bliss? Society. We are all about fitting in.
Well maybe, baby, some of us weren't meant to fit in with all the common and regular folk.
You forget there is still room in this world for discovery. That's were you come in.

Everyone hears your helpless cries, but no one really listens.
Eyes shielded like a horse's; blindly leading a carriage of which it's contents are unknown.
But all the same, with every muscle in it's body, he gallops along without a care.
Driven by absolutely nothing but a whip forcing his once strong willed body through the motions.
An empty dream.

Aren't we all tired of living like this? We are detroying ourselves.
We all have our fix. Some are just more destructive than others.
Just burying ourselves alive then clawing at the 6 feet of dirt above without a chance.
Sometimes you need to close a door for the right one to open.

What have we let this world come to? Doesn't anyone see it? The world is falling apart...

Artwork & Photography by: Lauran Cameron.

Money, it's a crime...

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:47:03 GMT

"What's comin' will come & we'll meet it when it does.
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live
You sort of start thinking anything's possible if you've got enough nerve."
-J.K. Rowling

Caught a cold of writer's block so I thought I'd share some of
J.K. Rowling's beautiful writtings to tie us all over for a bit.

Titmouse...

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 12:51:38 GMT

For God's sake follow your heart. Do it for yourself...really.
Please, I beg of you.
Everything will work out if you let it.
Don't let your mind get in the way of what your heart wants.

Surreal Life. I can't believe it's real life.

If there is one thing I realized this year,
it is that you will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.
You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

"Happiness, it seems to me, consists of two things: first, in being where you belong, and second
-- and best -- in comfortably going through everyday life.

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 09:18:10 GMT

I love you. I love you. Please understand it as simply as I say it, I love you.

Hah, the deeper you go, the higher you fly, the higher you fly, the deeper you go...

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 09:52:00 GMT

I was born with eyes too wide and a heart so old, it's rust.

You're my best friend, I'll understand, the only true love I've got

What's in a bad year?...

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 07:52:09 GMT

Here's a rough draft of a bit of a sonnet I wrote reflecting on the worst year of my life:

You thought that I had become a junkie?
Well, “everybody’s got somethin’ to hide except for me and my monkey.”
I’m not here to tell you you were right or wrong.
Besides, you’ve known all along.
If you’re going to judge me without ever asking
Than I deserve to tear you down from your self-righteous basking.

Your tireless efforts to taint my name
Every effort seemingly made in vain
I’m still standing, and now you’re on your knees
Begging for mercy crying, “please, please, please!”

I’ll take you down, I will make you hurt
Every move you make crushed to ash and dirt
Into the ground in potter’s clay you lie
Did you ever think to realize how much your sick words made me cry?

I choked on those tears for too long last year
Do you know what it feels like to die?
I do, thank you, and it’s all because of you
You sick sadistic fuck.

Was it fun? You felt cool, breaking all the rules.
Nobody mattered but you.
I sat alone on my stool, playing the fool
Sad to think I loved you.

You played with my mind, now I’m stuck doing time
Lost inside my own twisted head
I am in a psychosis; manic, scared and helpless
All the while you skip along.

Like hop scotch you play skipping all our lives away
Over a puddle of water too deep
We had good times, your memories are mine
But I rather they were yours to keep.

Far away from me is all I want you to be
I will never know you again
Go, get, leave me, too far all to see.

Stolen from Ryan Jones' Myspace Blog...

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 08:45:39 GMT

...I'm just being honest
10 random ass facts.

1- I am terrified of crustaceans

2- I HATE R&B...the synthetic rythmics just get to me.

3- I think that I am fat. When I look in the mirror I just see flubber on top of what I was before I let myself go. It'd be so easy to lose the weight, if only I had the will power.

4- I am bipolar. Finding this out answered a whole hell of a lot of questions in my life.

5- I have a constant fear of losing the people whom I love the most. Sometimes I worry myself so extremely sick about them that I cause myself to go into a manic episode where I can not breathe, think a single rational thought and cry hysterically, convincing myself that I am going to lose them and in return be lost without them. It usually results in making myself physically ill.

6- I am a brunette. The world will never see me as one.

7- I hate alcohol. The taste, the smell, the atmosphere. I haven't drank since Christmas Eve. That is the longest period I have gone without drinking in 2 years. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I consumed enough alcohol in the past 2 years to last me a lifetime.

8- I believe Marijuana should be legal with restrictions similar to that of cigarettes & alcohol. Yes, it is a drug, but so is alcohol. Think about this. Just look at the effects and compare, it is that simple.

9- I love conspiracy theories. I'll believe anything until proven untrue.

10- My Great, great, great, great, great Grandfather signed the declaration of Independence. His name was Charles Carroll of Carrollton. Carrollton being his manor home in the colony Maryland. I drunk dialed the phone number to Carrollton Manor one night at 3:48 A.M. while partying up at Alex's camp in Tully this past summer. I got the machine.

can someone flip the switch..."off"

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:37:47 GMT

ohhh my head...i can't even interpret my own thoughts anymore
my head is as stuffy as my nose
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
i've never been happier in my life than i am right now, but at the same time so weak mentally.
i am almost certain that i can feel the manic emotions scraping through my veins; it disgusts me that someone who is so in love and finally experiencing complete bliss can feel something so dark and awful.
I am truly most seriously beginning to think that I am bipolar.
I have lost complete control over how I feel.

breathe deeply in
let it all out
..............vom.

Head over heals...yes she's in love...

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 12:18:34 GMT

I had never been so anxious in my life.
Seeing someone you love hooked up to tubes running in and out of their veins, knowing they are having life changing surgery is never a pleasant experience. The fact that I was able to be with him through it all, up until they had to put him under was one of the most overwhelmingly powerful things I've ever gone through with anyone.

Also, I've managed to burn 5 pounds off since the day of Danny's surgery which was Thursday. You do the math. It was all nerves I swear. Since the surgery he has to sleep upright in the good ol' tan, courderoy Lay-Z-Boy chair out in the living room. I miss being able to know he is beside me as I fall asleep at night; such a solid sense of security. I've managed however to strategically place the couch cusions upon the living room floor next to the recliner for a bed. I just want to be as close as possible to him, especially now after the surgery.

Having these 5 days off of work to just take care of Danny has allowed me to finally get a lot of thoughts organized in my head. It made me realize that being in love with someone is NEVER easy...anger...tears...laughter... It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I am sure of it.

super flea market sunday...

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:42:51 GMT

...was incredibly successful
i purchased 4 new vinyl L.P.'s for myself all A'FUCKIN'MAZING finds!!!

FleetwoodMac-Rumors (i nearly orgasmed finding this L.P.)
Woodstock '69- 2 35's the first EVER available recording of woodstock VINYL
Aerosmith-Greatest Hits ( BIG ONES would be an EXCELLENT find in future weeks)
Elton John-Greatest Hits Vol. II (still need #1 on vinyl)
Jefferson Airplane- Worst hits (but its really their greatest; how clever.)

ANNNND I painted today.
I went PAANIT CRAZYAY!!!.
I'll probably post it once I am finally finished completing it.
Danny brought over his artworks today to hang on the apartment's walls.
Everyday in this little one bedroom apartment grows up to be more and more like a home for inspiration and creativity.
I love it.
I thought waiting yet another year to move to N.Y.C.
and begin my life was going to be the worst thing to ever happen to me.
Turns out, it is quite possibly the best.

iron & wine...

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 06:19:23 GMT

i am currently having an iron & wine religious experience.

i don't think you understand the beauty of this-
this man is my god right now.

clean up in isle 4!...

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 10:44:39 GMT

Get your shit together.
what the fuck is wrong with you?
this man loves you.
he gives you his heart, you rip it out and dance circles around it;
all the while finding some sort of sick pleasure out of his pain.
i have never allowed myself to succeed,
nor have i succeeded at allowing myself to be genuinely happy.
He does everything in his power to make sure i know he loves me
and what do i do in return? I peck away at his flaws like a crow
ripping the flesh off a carcas and showing him the pieces.
What is wrong with me? Who is this person? Where have I gone?
I thought I defeated the depression. How could it be back?
I should be the happiest I have ever been in my life.
I have EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in the palm of my hand,
and all I want to do is destroy it.

1,000 words breed out of writers block, feels like vomit.

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 07:01:08 GMT

My chest feels like someone has reached in, grabbed both sides and pulled up and out.
Don't we all just do such an excellent job at sabatoging ourselves?
I know I've taken a silverspoon and most certainly began to dig my own grave.
If love was simple, then everyone would be in it.
Never easy to find, never easy to get, never easy to keep.
Why do we insist on continually plunging ourselves underwater without taking a single breath?
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Who do you, he, she, we, us think that is to? Do I know who it is to?

A 16 year old girl from a small town in Texas sent me a message on myspace today saying me
& the photographs i took inspired her to begin a career in photography & graphic design.
She told me they sparked her dreams of leaving her small town for the big city.
It is incredibly humbling and extremely flattering to know my art has had such an impact on somebody's life.
It's nice to see someone else adore something you enjoyed creating.
I wish her only the best.

Everyday just becomes another fight for me to keep myself sane.
It is the little things like that which remind me how to keep the depression at bay.
That and being able to come home to Danny every night.
Being held so adoringly by a man who sees me as a muse has never felt more secure.
But its not the first time I have been dealt the 'muse' card.
When a gal can offer her bleeding and bruised heart to a guy,
she knows she is sacrificing her entire life via her sanity.
That in itself is absolutely and most completely courageous.

As blissful as it is being with Dan,
often as we've become closer I can feel this wrenching sense of pain which he exerts. I feel so helpless.
I wish I could just kiss it and make it better.
Stick a band-aid where it hurts and call it a day!
Of course, I know first hand that is far too idealistc...
The course of true love never did run smooth.

via sidekick...

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 22:50:51 GMT

Why is it I can give everything to those who I don't want to have anything, but those who I want nothing more than to give everything to I can only give them an inch?

De nana detter!...

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 18:08:31 GMT

Chin up little girl.
The answer is right before you.
There's no way but your way.

Who? What?? When???...

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 17:41:53 GMT

Could this be it?
The breath of fresh air i've longed for since being submerged in water over my head for over a year now?
What is that feeling? I finally did something right? I intrigue someone once again.
I walk in the door and he say's "Hey there gorgeous" and gives me a silly little smile. I giggle and tell him he is "too kind."
The evening begins with a little champagne & carefully selected movie choices.
He's an artist. His work exhibited upon the walls. He shows me films he has made in his past.
One of them with the opening credits introducing Dee Dee & C.J. Ramone as just two of the stars.
Finally, someone in this town who has experienced life outside of these mind numbing, narrow minded walls.
He lived in a N.Y.C. apartment with the Ramones visual arts director Arturo Vega at the 'Ramones' Loft.'

I do not believe that I have delighted in someone's company as much as his in years.
Stories I share with him about random atrocities in my life don't bother him like the rest of this town.
People here usually see the things i've done as a shock and misjudge. It's like being taken to a slaughter house,
cutting me up then casting me aside like a piece of undesired meat. Finally someone who can understand me.
It's almost too perfect. Someone who loves music as much as I do, an artist & a complete gentleman.
We're going to go see The Darjeeling Limited tonight. We're on a Wes Anderson kick right now after our movie marathon last night.

It's miraculous that I am finally allowing myself to feel this way again. It was extremely difficult, but I really think I can do this.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
I have finally distanced the fear of allowing myself to enjoy life. HAH! Somewhere between the middle of last week & now I finally found the courage.
I can tell it is not going to be smooth sailing for me though.
It's just the fact that I have discovered something more important than fear that is so relieving.

You never know who you'll meet.
amazing things are happening right before you.
only if you let them in...

blindfolded...

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 10:30:30 GMT

You may know what its like-
but you don't know how it is.

                                                                      You can't just keep running in and out of people's lives like a kid running through a grocery store,
                                                                                                    trampling through the isles knocking all the food off the shelves,
                                                                                                    leaving the messes for those you leave behind to clean up.

To all my little crazies out there...

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:27:57 GMT

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
Sanity in this insane world is insane. As John Lennon once said, "Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it."
Everyone has their "fix," that one thing that keeps them from going over the edge. "The edge" is also something quite funny. One never actually can define what it is, because the only people who can define it and understand it are the one's who have gone over.

Some people may never live, but the crazy never die.

tick tock...

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 07:28:45 GMT

Time passes. Times change
People never remain the same.
True goodbyes are the ones never said nor explained.
-Lauran Cameron

Time enjoyed wasting wasn't wasted...

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 11:53:59 GMT

Your time is limited, so don't waste it on living someone else's life.
Dont be trapped by living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your inner voice.
And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
They somehow already know what you truely want to become.
Everything else is secondary.
I think it's about time for this its long over due.
I was a flippin idiot, but regardless I had one hell of a time...

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go...