R.I.P David Carradine

Oh how I yearn for the spring.
This winter really got to my soul.
I need to thaw out.
I hung all the linens out on the line the other day which makes everything smell so fresh and alive!

I've been having these breif moments between conciousness and subconciousness as I'm falling asleep or waking up where I think I'm at the lake.
They're a comfort knowing the camp is so vivid somewhere in my mind but its also ailing realizing its gone now.

Ob la di ob la da life goes on though right?
I'm attempting to get back into photography/modeling/creating my designs to sell because after much pondering I've realized I can't walk away from that. It wasn't just a phase. I feel so lost without creativity. Its the one thing in life that's ever really come naturally to me so why swim upstream?
I'm no trout
bitch please.

I love you. I love you. Please understand it as simply as I say it, I love you.

I was born with eyes too wide and a heart so old, it's rust.

You're my best friend, I'll understand, the only true love I've got

Here's a rough draft of a bit of a sonnet I wrote reflecting on the worst year of my life:

You thought that I had become a junkie?
Well, “everybody’s got somethin’ to hide except for me and my monkey.”
I’m not here to tell you you were right or wrong.
Besides, you’ve known all along.
If you’re going to judge me without ever asking
Than I deserve to tear you down from your self-righteous basking.

Your tireless efforts to taint my name
Every effort seemingly made in vain
I’m still standing, and now you’re on your knees
Begging for mercy crying, “please, please, please!”

I’ll take you down, I will make you hurt
Every move you make crushed to ash and dirt
Into the ground in potter’s clay you lie
Did you ever think to realize how much your sick words made me cry?

I choked on those tears for too long last year
Do you know what it feels like to die?
I do, thank you, and it’s all because of you
You sick sadistic fuck.

Was it fun? You felt cool, breaking all the rules.
Nobody mattered but you.
I sat alone on my stool, playing the fool
Sad to think I loved you.

You played with my mind, now I’m stuck doing time
Lost inside my own twisted head
I am in a psychosis; manic, scared and helpless
All the while you skip along.

Like hop scotch you play skipping all our lives away
Over a puddle of water too deep
We had good times, your memories are mine
But I rather they were yours to keep.

Far away from me is all I want you to be
I will never know you again
Go, get, leave me, too far all to see.

...I'm just being honest
10 random ass facts.

1- I am terrified of crustaceans

2- I HATE R&B...the synthetic rythmics just get to me.

3- I think that I am fat. When I look in the mirror I just see flubber on top of what I was before I let myself go. It'd be so easy to lose the weight, if only I had the will power.

4- I am bipolar. Finding this out answered a whole hell of a lot of questions in my life.

5- I have a constant fear of losing the people whom I love the most. Sometimes I worry myself so extremely sick about them that I cause myself to go into a manic episode where I can not breathe, think a single rational thought and cry hysterically, convincing myself that I am going to lose them and in return be lost without them. It usually results in making myself physically ill.

6- I am a brunette. The world will never see me as one.

7- I hate alcohol. The taste, the smell, the atmosphere. I haven't drank since Christmas Eve. That is the longest period I have gone without drinking in 2 years. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I consumed enough alcohol in the past 2 years to last me a lifetime.

8- I believe Marijuana should be legal with restrictions similar to that of cigarettes & alcohol. Yes, it is a drug, but so is alcohol. Think about this. Just look at the effects and compare, it is that simple.

9- I love conspiracy theories. I'll believe anything until proven untrue.

10- My Great, great, great, great, great Grandfather signed the declaration of Independence. His name was Charles Carroll of Carrollton. Carrollton being his manor home in the colony Maryland. I drunk dialed the phone number to Carrollton Manor one night at 3:48 A.M. while partying up at Alex's camp in Tully this past summer. I got the machine.

ohhh my head...i can't even interpret my own thoughts anymore
my head is as stuffy as my nose
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
i've never been happier in my life than i am right now, but at the same time so weak mentally.
i am almost certain that i can feel the manic emotions scraping through my veins; it disgusts me that someone who is so in love and finally experiencing complete bliss can feel something so dark and awful.
I am truly most seriously beginning to think that I am bipolar.
I have lost complete control over how I feel.

breathe deeply in
let it all out
..............vom.

I had never been so anxious in my life.
Seeing someone you love hooked up to tubes running in and out of their veins, knowing they are having life changing surgery is never a pleasant experience. The fact that I was able to be with him through it all, up until they had to put him under was one of the most overwhelmingly powerful things I've ever gone through with anyone.

Also, I've managed to burn 5 pounds off since the day of Danny's surgery which was Thursday. You do the math. It was all nerves I swear. Since the surgery he has to sleep upright in the good ol' tan, courderoy Lay-Z-Boy chair out in the living room. I miss being able to know he is beside me as I fall asleep at night; such a solid sense of security. I've managed however to strategically place the couch cusions upon the living room floor next to the recliner for a bed. I just want to be as close as possible to him, especially now after the surgery.

Having these 5 days off of work to just take care of Danny has allowed me to finally get a lot of thoughts organized in my head. It made me realize that being in love with someone is NEVER easy...anger...tears...laughter... It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I am sure of it.

...was incredibly successful
i purchased 4 new vinyl L.P.'s for myself all A'FUCKIN'MAZING finds!!!

FleetwoodMac-Rumors (i nearly orgasmed finding this L.P.)
Woodstock '69- 2 35's the first EVER available recording of woodstock VINYL
Aerosmith-Greatest Hits ( BIG ONES would be an EXCELLENT find in future weeks)
Elton John-Greatest Hits Vol. II (still need #1 on vinyl)
Jefferson Airplane- Worst hits (but its really their greatest; how clever.)

ANNNND I painted today.
I went PAANIT CRAZYAY!!!.
I'll probably post it once I am finally finished completing it.
Danny brought over his artworks today to hang on the apartment's walls.
Everyday in this little one bedroom apartment grows up to be more and more like a home for inspiration and creativity.
I love it.
I thought waiting yet another year to move to N.Y.C.
and begin my life was going to be the worst thing to ever happen to me.
Turns out, it is quite possibly the best.

Get your shit together.
what the fuck is wrong with you?
this man loves you.
he gives you his heart, you rip it out and dance circles around it;
all the while finding some sort of sick pleasure out of his pain.
i have never allowed myself to succeed,
nor have i succeeded at allowing myself to be genuinely happy.
He does everything in his power to make sure i know he loves me
and what do i do in return? I peck away at his flaws like a crow
ripping the flesh off a carcas and showing him the pieces.
What is wrong with me? Who is this person? Where have I gone?
I thought I defeated the depression. How could it be back?
I should be the happiest I have ever been in my life.
I have EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in the palm of my hand,
and all I want to do is destroy it.

My chest feels like someone has reached in, grabbed both sides and pulled up and out.
Don't we all just do such an excellent job at sabatoging ourselves?
I know I've taken a silverspoon and most certainly began to dig my own grave.
If love was simple, then everyone would be in it.
Never easy to find, never easy to get, never easy to keep.
Why do we insist on continually plunging ourselves underwater without taking a single breath?
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Who do you, he, she, we, us think that is to? Do I know who it is to?



A 16 year old girl from a small town in Texas sent me a message on myspace today saying me
& the photographs i took inspired her to begin a career in photography & graphic design.
She told me they sparked her dreams of leaving her small town for the big city.
It is incredibly humbling and extremely flattering to know my art has had such an impact on somebody's life.
It's nice to see someone else adore something you enjoyed creating.
I wish her only the best.

Everyday just becomes another fight for me to keep myself sane.
It is the little things like that which remind me how to keep the depression at bay.
That and being able to come home to Danny every night.
Being held so adoringly by a man who sees me as a muse has never felt more secure.
But its not the first time I have been dealt the 'muse' card.
When a gal can offer her bleeding and bruised heart to a guy,
she knows she is sacrificing her entire life via her sanity.
That in itself is absolutely and most completely courageous.

As blissful as it is being with Dan,
often as we've become closer I can feel this wrenching sense of pain which he exerts. I feel so helpless.
I wish I could just kiss it and make it better.
Stick a band-aid where it hurts and call it a day!
Of course, I know first hand that is far too idealistc...
The course of true love never did run smooth.